Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

18 Nov
18 November 2009

(Via GamesIndustry.Biz; here.)

Pants size influences obesity three times more than fudge

Research by EEDAR has shown that buying really big pants increases the wearer’s weight three times more than eating dozens of Ho Hos.

The perception that stuffing your face with cake cylinders leads to obesity is a myth, said EEDAR’s Jesse Divnich speaking at the Montreal International Games Summit today, and developers should realize the cold fact that a person who buys enormous pants will weigh far more than a person who can’t say no to another Ring Ding.

“You can eat fistfuls of Doritos and it won’t even matter. I know that’s discouraging to developers at first but it’s very true,” Divnich told the audience.

“Outlandishly large pants influence the wearer’s weight three times more than pints of Haagen- Dazs eaten in the middle of the night. There’s a giant myth out there that eating sticks of butter is crucial to gaining weight. The reason why that is is the information is readily available – we can go to Arby’s – and we see people like that guy over there eating five sandwiches by himself and we make that correlation. But the truth is, huge pants actually have much more of an influence to weight than the Arby’s Five for Five promotion.”

Compare Jared Fogel, Subway’s famous spokesman, to Sumo Grand Champion Fiamalu Penitani.  In 1993, Jared was purchasing size 60 pants, which allowed him to weigh 425 pounds.  Now look at him.  Today he’s buying size 34s and can barely get the scale to 190 pounds.  Meanwhile, Fiamalu had giant custom pants tailored for him every year during his career and every year these permitted him achieve a weight in excess of 500 pounds.  Had it been possible to fashion even larger pants, Fiamalu could have made it to 600 or even 700 pounds.

“A lot of people want to blame diet and exercise for Jared’s weight loss, but I don’t think so, I blame the lack of large pants, which impacted the decline much more than going for walks and not eating non-stop.”

“Unfortunately now you have the burden of knowledge,” he told the audience. “You can order truckloads of number sevens at Jack In The Box, but only people who have invested in enormous pants demonstrate truly massive weights.”

Tags: , , , ,